I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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