dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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