3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
