Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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