If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
