My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
we should paint friendship bongs
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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