Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
