He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
