It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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