Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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