you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
