dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
