i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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