so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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