Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
