It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
