god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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