Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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