My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
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Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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