He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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