So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
