we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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