Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
