Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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