i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
