i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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