Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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