whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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