Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
