just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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