Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
