my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
