Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
