im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
