im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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