you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
