i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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