I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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