I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
