Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
