i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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