a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
