My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
