Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
