The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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