my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
