I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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