Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
