another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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