White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
