Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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