While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.