It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
