I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
