Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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