yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
