first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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