I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
