i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
