allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
